The Strength To Survive:

I have been mourning lately. I think a lot of people assume that mourning relates to loss, and though I have done that recently as well, it's something different. I am mourning the version of myself that had to show strength in order to survive. I have had to fight a lot of battles within my life. I have had to show up over, and over, and over again because the sun still rises and bills still need to be paid. My body has been stuck in constant fight or flight mode for as long as I can physically remember. I have been stunted. Sometimes I act like I am seventeen again because when I was, my dad was alive. I did not have the same issues that I do now.

I live on a ranch, and was given the opportunity to stay here, with no stress, with no fear for my safety, with no transactional aspect. My brain cannot compute someone showing such kindess that I owe them nothing. My life is finally calm. I am sober in a place where I know that if I am struggling there is help. If my car is having issues there is help. If I need anything, there is always help. It was really hard for me to accept. To comprehend.

A large part of me has thought that if I have no sadness, no fear, no anxiety, then who am I? Those concepts have woven themselves into my DNA and I truly thought it was who I was. Who I am. I am starting to slowly accept the peace. Yes, there are hardships, because, there will always be hardships. However, I am safe. I don't have people worrying about me. My mental stability has tripled within the past two months. And yet, I still feel stuck. I still am mourning the depressed, anxiety riddled, terrible drinking problem girl. It feels wrong to leave her behind. It feels wrong because if I forgot, if I move on, if I let myself step forward, then the pain was for nothing. My anger was for nothing. My sadness was for nothing. But was it?

I have to fight everyday to change the narrative. To tell myself I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy of these things. It's hard, but I am also realizing that yes, I have gone through the unimaginable, but I came out the other side. I honor myself for having the strength to survive and I honor myself now by resting. By sitting in the sun. By running around the fields with my cat. By taking it day by day.

I will be 90 days sober tomorrow. This is new and it is scary but if I have survived my past, I can thrive within my future. Thank you for the support. You will always have someone who understands, and for that, I am grateful.

It does get better.