I'm one month sober... let's talk about it.

Hi I'm Kim, I'm an alcoholic and I never thought I would get sober again. I thought my entire life I would be cursed with the raging thoughts of needing a drink, needing drinks plural. I didn't think I would be alive this long. Getting sober saved my life.

The first time I got sober I couldn't even legally drink. I was twenty years old and desperate to end my life. I went on a binge drinking spree which ended up in a night I can't even fathom to think about let alone speak about. All I can say is I am so blessed beyond belief for the friends I had during that time. I was an awful human. I would go to parties and tell everyone I was going to kill myself. I did try to kill myself while I was drunk one night. This period of my life was so unbelievably heartbreaking that I am so grateful I can sit here today, with tears in my eyes, and know I survived. I did make it through the worst nights of my life. I am sober. I am alive.

When I was twenty years old, I walked into a room full of other alcoholics. It was the Red House in Boise. It saved my life. The people in that room saved my life. I stayed sober for nine months. I relapsed several times, always saying I would stay sober and then I would only drink on the weekends, and then I would only drink wine, and then I would only drink one type of seltzer, and then I would only drink at bars, and then I would lose control. My last relapse ended my relationship. I stayed sober for a bit and then moved to a state where my only friends were the monocos and buzzballs at the gas station. I fell victim to the jaws of alcoholism.

I couldn't stop. I had people who told me that I had potential. I had people that laughed in my face and said I didn't have a problem. When I looked in the mirror I couldn't even recognize myself. That is when I realized I had a problem again. I got really, really sick. I had the flu then infections then bronchitis. It kept me from drinking but more importantly, it saved my life. I never thought I would say that my ear infection saved me from my alcoholism but that is just the way it happened I guess.

Today, I am one month sober. I am not sick anymore. I don't have bronchitis to blame for not drinking. I don't drink anymore but I do have to leave my ID in the car when I go grocery shopping because I don't want to be tempted. I don't drink anymore but I feel like a string is attached to my chest that is connected to the white claws in the gas station. I don't drink anymore but sometimes I have to go home when I'm out running errands or else I will drive to the gas station and buy a buzzball. I don't drink anymore but I still think about it. I don't drink anymore and thank goodness or else I would be dead.

Making my sobriety journey public was never something I thought I would do but if it keeps me from picking up the bottle and kicking my own bucket, I will write. I will write and tell you all that I am thirty days further from an addiction that almost ended my life several times. An addiction that I can say I am thirty days further away from. Thank you for reading. I hope you stick around until day sixty.