College

Grief is not love in a heavy coat. The quote got it wrong. Grief is bitter and sharp. When I stand and face god I will ask him why he took you away and walk before I hear the answer. I am not better because of this, I have fought wars with anger to be this kind. I am so tired of being brave. I am not brave, I am scared. I am so scared to keep going without you. I am so scared how much this hurts, how sad I am. I want to feel better but I don’t know when I will. They all said

May 21st, 2023: 8:24pm And what will you do when I leave? Will you writhe, and scream, and wither away? Or will you grow, and plant a seed that will cause you to change? Maybe you not changing was the first step of my acceptance of the toxicity that rots in your bones. It rots and it festers and it bubbles up to the surface, spilling over like the wine that stained my carpet last weekend. The love is lost, long gone when it got caught up in the wind and carried off to a far a

Driving with no airbags, ice skating, hugging my mother, pouring out bottles of wine, romanticizing my life in a weird depressive way, holding back tears, listening to Maria Mena, talking to 3 people, reciting lines, losing the love I have, being sober, visiting his grave, blacking out in my childhood bedroom, wrapping gifts, painting cherries, loving with no intentions of continuing, taking the pills, hoping to disappear, having a first last kiss, straight A’s, learning to t