The Light

May 21st, 2023: 8:24pm

And what will you do when I leave? Will you writhe, and scream, and wither away? Or will you grow, and plant a seed that will cause you to change? Maybe you not changing was the first step of my acceptance of the toxicity that rots in your bones. It rots and it festers and it bubbles up to the surface, spilling over like the wine that stained my carpet last weekend. The love is lost, long gone when it got caught up in the wind and carried off to a far away place where it can no longer be found. But I ask the question again: what will you do when I leave?

I ask myself the same question. What will I do when I leave? I will not cry, I will not scream, I will not writhe in pain, but instead, I will let love grow in my heart for another person. I will feel the pain and let it draw out, I will push It out of my lungs with such force I may fall to my knees and ask forgiveness to a savior if he is listening.

I will face the fears of rejection, of abandonment, of the fear that losing you will kill me. I will plant my feet and scream, not in fear, but in freedom. I will feel the wind on my face and the air in my lungs and my heart beating in my chest. I will walk one hundred miles and not feel a thing, I will make a new path, a new life that I can call my own. I will find the people that care. I was a phase in your life but now I am taking back myself.

And with this new thought, I will break the pattern. I will not let the loop continue another day. I will seek the help I need and hide from those who do not deserve the love I have locked away in my body. I will not lose my energy or focus by wasting time on those that do not care to see me succeed. The ones that don’t will watch you the closest so you must look straight ahead, do not look back, do not delay the progress you have already put in. The work must be done to break the pattern.

I often think of the girl I was, scared and naïve, I couldn’t step foot in the place I called home unless I prepared for what was to come. The walls that locked me in, the place I found comfort once was no longer there. I would cry and put my self worth far behind me. I would walk the streets in the shell of a ten year old. I could not see a future. All I did was look at my past, look at what and who hurt me. I got in my head, I couldn’t see the tunnel no less the light at the end. There was an ache in my chest that I felt when I stayed up past twelve. The support I had was fleeting, lost again in the wind and the wind carried me away too.

People often think that when something bad happens it means the worst is over but there will always be worse. There will always be something that is hiding in the darkest corners of your room, that follows you down corridors and alleyways. It sneaks up on you like a cat and pounces. You cannot control the worst but you can prepare for how you will react. Though not everything can be prepared for, looking back at your previous reactions will give you leeway into how to act.

Once again I ask myself: what will I do when I leave? The simple answer is nothing. I will keep working how I always have. I will put my energy into those that love me and support me. I will not associate myself with those who have such hatred and rage in their hearts it blinds them from the real purpose, the purpose of living a life that you love. Of living a life that makes you happy, that makes you satisfied, that you can wake up to everyday and feel a sense of purpose radiating throughout your body.

The collective thoughts you have about yourself are the thoughts that attract people to you. If you hate yourself, if you have rage rotting in your bones and fear flowing through your veins, then others just like that will flock to you. The first step to anything is changing your mindset, the second step is doing the work. Nothing comes easy, that is a lie that has been told since the dawn of time. If you want something its going to be hard. If you want something you have to put in the work and the vision in your head will become clearer. Don’t expect progress to happen overnight, it is a continual cycle that must be taken seriously every time you open your eyes in the morning. The phases that you go through are merely times in your life where you felt a certain way and latched onto it.

Sadness is something that many cannot control however they can use their resources and their time. Anyone can break the cycle if they want the outcome bad enough. If you feel like something is wrong I have one word of advice for you: change. Change your mindset, change your actions, change from the person you once were to the person that you want to be. Make the hard decisions, feel the weight of them when you say yes or no. Leave the people that you once thought were your tribe and walk away.

Walking away does not mean you have to do it on your own. On the contrary, walking away means walking towards the open arms of others, waiting to embrace you and show you equally returned love. You do not always have to look in the mirror and like the image you see however, you must recognize what you do not like and make it an effort to change. Once you recognize, do. Do the things you love, spend time with those that lift you up, make sense of the confusion that haunts your every move.

It seems like a daunting task to move forward. Like you may die if you leave someone that has served you in the past. But look at their actions, then look at yours. You are a reflection of what you want others to treat you and act around you. There must be a pattern recognized in order to change it. Become more aware of yourself, of your surroundings, of the person you want to be versus the person that you are. Become self aware to an extent that people notice. When you become aware you realize who is good and who is not, who you want to associate with and who you do not. Only then will you make the change. Only then will you see what your goals are, what you want to make out of the one life you were given.

You will continue to spiral if you do not make changes. You cannot keep living your life like this. It is not feasible compared to what you want. You have goals and dreams and everything are in your head. You can feel them and yet you stop and you sit on a bench far away, not standing up to even be one inch closer. You must stop the backward process of your life, you must stop closing your eyes, you must stop living the life that you do not want.

You may think that others are just luckier and that is true, it is a fact that has been proven time and time again, however, money does not contribute to changing your life. If you want it bad enough, you will get it, rich or poor. If you can pinpoint just one goal that you have, then tape it to your heart and work for it.

I leave you with one last piece of advice, you attract the people that you are. Change yourself and that will change your life. Stop worrying about others and get the work done.