Teenage Years: Collection II

CW: discussion of suicide, self harm, and eating disorders

Relapse thoughts. (11-26-17)

At 2:00am, the voice came back, it told me I needed to die. The voice is telling me not to tell anyone so I tell my friend I am fine. I do not miss this feeling, having my life in my hands and metal between my fingertips. You don’t understand the feeling of quiet until you stop talking and bask in loneliness. When everyone who tries to help ends up hurting you. Where the hell did my happiness go? Why doesn’t it show up now? 

I walked into Mc-Kay Dee with a will to die, but I could stand in a crowd. I left Mc-Kay Dee with a will to live but I cannot stand in crowds anymore. I left who I truly was there. Paranoid of everything. Long gone are the nights spent dancing with hundreds on main street. Now I welcome fear, anxiety, voices, flashbacks. Mc-Kay Dee drained me more than anything has. I lost my soul in room #10. But I want to be alive. What good is living if you do not have a soul? 

Regarding my relapse four days later…

I have made myself physically sick with worry of being caught now. I do not want attention but at the same time I want people to notice I’m struggling. On December 2nd, 2017, I had my first relapse in over two months. I tried talking to someone about it but I gave up and let the relapse happen. I am in no way proud of what I did or the fact that I will have more scars now, but I have stopped beating myself up for this. I am frustrated with myself over this. On Sunday I hit a wall, second relapse. Monday I started to fall back into old eating habits, third relapse. I do not want to die but I do not know how to use my words and say that I am struggling because god, I am. 

The thing I search for is missing. My weapon of self destruction is no longer in the metal tin of its former home. Needing to be surrendered but nowhere in sight. I search for something that I am not ready to give up. It is hiding well, refusing to be given up as a peace treaty, Refusing to be discovered. I search on my hands and knees for my beautiful weapon,  but it is gone. 

Hidden from the world, my gem hides. Lying gets nowhere but somehow, the truth hurts more. I’ll never tell, never speak of these things again. My lovely depression, play dead for a second or two, just until I am alone, just my diamond and I. Play dead just a moment longer while I say goodnight to my family. Then you may feast yourself on my hunger, my pain, then you may rule my life again. 

Last month of 2017. This year was not great, not one I’d like to remember or hold onto. Wash your mind of 2017 and move the fuck on. 2018 might not be my year but hopefully it will have better memories. 

The darkness has come back. It’s suffocating me and it won’t let me go. All I feel is heaviness weighing down my body. I thought I was okay. This weight is too much but I’m too afraid to make another plan. The flashbacks will kill me or I will kill myself. God help the person who reads these pages. I will burn them. What has my life come to, the constant lies, I’m in so much pain. I need help but I will fight this until it kills me.  

To my mother, the warrior who raised me.

She has fought through wars for years to keep her children safe. I could not ask for more. When I watch superhero movies, the hero was always my mom. She taught me that sometimes even superheroes have bad days. She mesmerized me with her ways. She raised me to be kind and just and I cannot thank her enough. I would not be the way I am today if it wasn’t for her. Some days are filled with arguments but other days are filled with beautiful moments and at the end of the day, I’m so happy to call her “mom”. 

New Years Day

As we remember 2017, let's not dwell too long. What’s done is done and we cannot change anything. Even as the new year is here, don’t feel pressured to change your life. You can make changes whenever you want. Learn to appreciate the small things in life, the simple accomplishments and tasks done. When all is said and done and whatever this year has thrown at you, brush it off. Today is a new day. Write this day how you want. Don’t get discouraged when things don’t go your way. Try to find love and peace with yourself. Love the people around you and leave the ones that serve no purpose to you. But most importantly, do what makes you happy.