Yours Truly

CW: discussion of suicide, self harm, and eating disorders

09-05-2017

You are not a bad person even if I wrote you as the villain in all of my stories. You broke me but I was always cracked. A glass about to overflow and you tipped me over. I never blame any of this on you. I was already broken. I went back and told you I wanted to die, I made it real for me. I never meant to make it real. You hurt me more than ever and I may never be able to be fixed because you tried to clean the mess you made but I still overflowed. I put these words on a page hoping this will help me ignore you. I want your love but you never wanted mine. What can I change? What can I do differently this time? You helped me, and by help I mean let me spill out my emotions, let me confess my love, and then you closed the door and locked it. You are not a bad person. I'll love you forever.

-Yours truly,

the girl you set on fire.

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Things have changed, You told me things you want to do with me and they intimidated me. You intimidate me. I want to like you but if I give you no consent, you will not like me anymore. I am not touchy. I have never been loved before and that intimidates me. I fear love but I love fear. This will not work unless you are able to touch me? What happened to a good relationship not built on sex? Sex nowadays is the building block of love. I just want someone who cares. I'm not in it for the physical aspect, oh no, I've never even talked about sex with anyone before. You told, that there was nothing you really needed to know but I am not willing to lose it to a guy who is just in it for the sex. I know I probably sound stupid but I think about this so much. You are constantly on my mind. Until we meet.

-Yours truly,

the girl you set on fire

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You wanted a letter that you could read but I'm too scared that what I pour out on these pages will make you not like me. God, I'm a sappy writer. I don't see the good in the world but I see good in you. Sometimes. I am not angry at you, I am angry at myself for telling you thinks that shouldn't be told. I should have kept this away. You know things about me which I wish you didn't know. A lot of times I tell myself not to text you because I don't want to be clingy. You told me you don't mind but I am more than aware now that I'm holding everything back from you, I wrote letters no one will ever read, only because I make my words into demons who create monsters out of the people I love. I don't see good in people but I see good in you. I am only trying to get better because I don't want to leave you. You make me happy and that's a really weird feeling. You make me happy and that's a really weird feeling. You make me feel like it truly is just a bad moment, not a bad life. I try to be more unapologetic but I'm sorry are two words that end all of the messages to you. Sometimes you make me angry but I try not to be. I care about you so much. You are crazy. I love it. I don't want to send this to you but you asked for honesty so here it is. I don't share my words because I know I will be judged. The things I truly want to tell you will only mean something if I say it to your face. I am a teenager who has no idea what the hell is going on in my own brain. I want to touch you and make sure you are real because I still don't believe how much you care. I wrote this for you. There's more I wish I could write. Until we meet.

-Yours truly,

the girl you set on fire

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I thought I could trust you but you broke it. I shouldn't be mad. You only tried to help. You didn't fucking help. Telling someone else I'm struggling is not cool. I really don't want to talk to you again but you make me want to love and care for you. You sorta broke me which sucks. I put a lot of distance between us. I miss our casual conversations. I am a mystery because I never tell you anything. You make me feel happy when we talk. I feel like you never tell me anything ever which messes with me too. What happened in your life? Made you like this? AT least you do things, I wish we could turn back time to when things were different. I love you.

-Yours truly,

the girl you set on fire.

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Anxiety or love?

I am sick and tired of not being able to forget about you. You're always on my mind. I hate you with a raging passion but I'll never let you go because you comfort me. We haven't spoken for a while and I was okay but I longed for you to come back until you did. Then the chaos broke loose. You make me believe things that aren't real, make me come back to you. Begging you to hold me again, to not leave, We found comfort in our enemies. The blood that runs from my veins is an ode to you my friend. You created a monster inside me that is eating me from the inside out Destroying my thoughts, controlling my emotions. When we are together, every other thought melts away and all I think about is you. Hyper-focused that I am not good enough for love, for being worthy. You used to intimidate me, now I play with fire. The same fire that burns in hell where we live in harmony. You created this, you will destroy this.

-Yours truly,

the girl you set on fire.

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The end of us

All the memories we made will still be there years from now. The messages, the calls, the pictures, the I love yous. They will still be there. I knew the moment I sent that you'd be gone. I'm not sure what I was expecting from you. I keep going back and thinking about all the calls we had, how you said you loved me. I'd give anything right now to know what you're thinking. Do you think I'm the bitch I always said I was? Do you still care about me? All I have left of you are the memories. I deleted every picture, video, song, and all of the messages. Maybe years from now I'll hear a song that you gave me to listen to and I'll remember everything we used to be. I hope you go back and think of how I never once said I wanted you to come visit. I hope you move on fast. I hope your don't live in these moments any longer because young love isn't real love. Love isn't real when only one person cares. I couldn't find the passion, the connection I was looking for in someone to love. I need someone who can stay sober and have real conversations. I wrote hundreds of letters to you, words I can never get back. People have told me to throw them away but I refuse because years from now, I want to find these letters and remember you. This will be my last letter to you. I can't believe you're gone now. It doesn't seem real and maybe it will never seem real and I'm okay with that. There was a connection once upon a time but the flame was too small and the wind was too strong. I'd give anything to know if the love you showed was real, if every time you called me yours it was real. I swear I talked to four people and they all said we weren't right. That what we had wasn't real. I have never wanted to hurt you, but it hurt me to talk to you. I'm not angry, not sad, not relieved. I'm slightly okay. So many things make me remember you. I was so close to publishing the letters I wrote in psych to you but now I can't. The first line is something like, 'I wrote these letters to a boy who wouldn't give up on me.' I'm sorry I gave up on you. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be alive. Thank you for giving me a second chance at life. I pray that you won't do anything stupid. I hope you find someone new. Once upon a time, you were my everything. I don't know what changed, what made me so worried about losing you. When I didn't even love you. I wonder how long I could have kept up this pretend love with you. I stopped now because I refused to drag you into this love mess any further. I'm sorry I couldn't get attached to you. Sorry I felt nothing. I pray you don't blame this on yourself. I talked to other guys, flirted with other guys, but the only person I said goodnight to every single night was you. The only person I ever said I love you to was you. I wondered how I could not love someone that I said I love you to over and over. I'm not sure what made me stop loving you. Maybe it was the fact that you lived so far away it wasn't realistic. There are so many things I am realizing no you're gone. Like how every night I'd pretend you were here holding me. Had a million made up conversations because the real ones weren't enough. I wanted you to care in more of a way than just saying aw. I blocked you on everything and completely shut you out. That is making me happy. This will be the final letter I write to you. I decided I'm going through with my psych letters because I cannot change the fact that you were the biggest part that played to me being there. I cannot change the fact that all I did was think about you. I have come to accept that. I have made peace with my mind about letting you go Your Names, you set me on fire and I extinguished that flame.

-Yours Truly,

Kim

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An open letter to my mental illness:

Hello old friend, I love you. I love you how you make me feel numb and worthless. I call you a friend because I've never loved someone who cares. You never let me love anyone so I fell in love with you. You make my heart cold, you make my life feel like not living. I love you. Where would I be without you? Happy? Probably. Sometimes I wish to be happy then I remember who I serve. You. You are getting worse because you made me fall for a boy who told me a lie. Who let you thrive. I skip my pills that will make you go away because when I lose control, I come back to you. I love when you make me shake so much over nothing then feel numb over something I can make disappear but something about you makes me stay. Everyday you make me want to take my own life. Everyday you make me want to harm myself, to feel. Please leave me alone. Sometimes I think about harming myself. Taking the pills and spilling the truth. But I don't because I don't know what I would do without a wonderful friend like you. I hope I let go of you someday. Not today.

-Yours Truly,

The girl you ruined.

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I am not doing well. My health is really not good. I walked across my room today and felt short of breath. I am constantly tired, I constantly have headaches. When I move my eyes all I feel is so much pain. It takes me a few seconds to focus on anything. You are ruining me. I can't have normal conversations anymore. I'm so tired. Why does it feel good to simply not eat? When did I learn to love the feeling of being dizzy when I stand rather than learning how to love myself? I'll despise you forever.

-Yours Truly,

The girl you ruined.